Book Report: Radical Candor

Book Report: Radical Candor

Since I’ve set the intention with my WORD OF THE YEAR, it’s been interesting to apply the lens of connection to all aspects of my life. Including the books that I read. This one was easy to apply to the concept of connection, since that is one of the main themes of Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity.

Kim Scott shares some insightful wisdom and guidance based on her impressive career in Silicon Valley and beyond. Some highlights include her advice that managers should establish a culture of candid feedback, first by encouraging direct reports to give feedback to the managers. How managers respond to this feedback is critically important to determining the success of this project. Scott suggests accepting the critiques gracefully, and demonstrating receptivity by somehow rewarding the person who gave the critique. Once a manager gains the trust of their direct reports by demonstrating that they will take action in response to feedback, then the manager should begin giving timely and direct feedback, as well. Scott emphasizes that praise is as important as critique, but both need to be delivered directly, with specificity, and in a timely way.

Having been a manager myself, I appreciate Scott’s acknowledgement that good management takes time and effort. And that carving out the appropriate time and being intentional about following through with individual and group meetings is important. She also shares her perspective on the importance of the quality of these meetings and conversations, and gives some very specific tips on how to structure the time and agenda to be most effective.

Since most of my work happens in the non-profit space I found myself needing to translate some of the book in order to make it feel transferable. For example, Scott writes about getting to know direct reports, specifically to learn about their hopes and aspirations, and then helping them find opportunities for growth or development that match their needs. This is sound advice for any manager, however sometimes the options available in the non-profit world feel somewhat more limited than the examples Scott shares from her time at Google and Apple, and other lucrative corporations.

Overall I would recommend this book for anyone who is interested in the challenges of management and building more effective working relationships. I have often observed the challenge of giving direct and appropriate feedback at work, and how avoiding those conversations can undermine the working relationship in myriad ways. Scott does a good job of outlining some of the risks of avoidance, and the benefits of a more radically candid approach, as well as some practical tips and suggestions.

Do you experience challenges communicating directly with people at work? How do you navigate the situation? If you’re a manager, how have you approached giving and receiving feedback with your direct reports? I would love to hear your thoughts!

I have conflict, too

There is a pervasive and unhealthy trend among conflict resolution professionals that I observe regularly. It seems that those of us who are trained in this field believe that we should somehow be immune to conflict. As if by learning and practicing effective conflict resolution we would be able to completely avoid conflict in our own lives.

This unreasonable expectation can lead to a few unhealthy habits. First, it may exacerbate our conflict avoidance. We end up contorting ourselves to avoid difficult conversations or avoid directly addressing issues in our interpersonal relationships. Another possibility is that we assume ourselves to be perfect or beyond reproach in our communication or conflict responses. We skip over the important step of self-reflection and focus all of our critique and frustration outward.

I can admit that I have fallen into both unhealthy patterns at times. But with continuing self-reflection and the intention of living with greater integrity, I have learned a lot about myself in conflict and made progress toward aligning my values with my response when conflicts arise.

And I will confess that I have conflict. Just like every other human being on the planet, I experience conflict in my life. In my family, at work, and with friends there are challenges, disagreements, and conflict.

Usually the first thing I notice is my physical reaction. Conflict triggers anxiety for me and I feel it in my body. My heart beat speeds up, my head feels hot, and my vision narrows. These are great clues for me, letting me know that I am having an emotional response that may be irrational. Then I can focus on calming myself down. I might take a walk, get a drink of water, and focus on my breathing. I can also work on my internal monologue and make sure that I apply some perspective to the situation - letting my lizard brain amygdala know that I’m going to survive!

Once my body calms down, and I deactivate those survival instincts, I can start to strategize about communication. Is this something that needs to be addressed immediately, or can I give it some time? If I do want to respond sooner rather than later, how can I stay connected to my needs and values while I communicate about the problem? This is where I can apply all of the concepts and tools that I would use with clients in mediation. Focus on my interests and speak from my experience. Avoid generalizations, accusations, and blame.

Now, of course, I can only control my own responses and actions. Sometimes all my efforts result in improved communication and the conflict eventually is resolved. But sometimes the outcome is not what I would hope for and I feel disappointed, or a relationship comes to an end. One of the hardest realities to come to terms with, both as a professional intervening in other people’s conflicts and as an individual facing my own interpersonal conflicts, is that not all conflict resolution results in a positive outcome. Sometimes the outcome is painful. But when I respond with intention I am more likely to act in a way that reflects my values, and less likely to feel regret or shame.

There is so much more that could be explored and unpacked about how we as professional conflict resolvers find inspiration from our work to apply to our own lives. But first I would love to know how you experience conflict. Do you find yourself falling into the habit of avoiding difficult conversations or confrontations? How do you react when someone confronts you?

Upcoming Travel

My work as a mediation trainer takes me all over New York State and I am super excited to be returning to several of my favorite places over the coming months.

In February I will be returning to the Long Island Dispute Resolution Centers for a four day Basic Mediation Training at Adelphi University in Hempstead, NY.

Then in March I will be back with my good friends at Mediation Matters for another four day Basic Mediation Training at their main office in Albany, NY.

March continues to be a busy month! From Albany I’ll be heading up and over to Buffalo to spend some time with the wonderful team at the Center for Resolution and Justice. I will be spending the day with a small group of amazing volunteers, exploring how we strive to match our interventions with our values and intentions in mediation practice. And then I get to stay in beautiful Buffalo for an extended stay for another four day Basic Mediation Training.

If you are interested in more information about any of these trainings you can click the links above, or send me a message.

And if you will be in one of these areas around the same time and would like to connect, let me know!