The only constant in life is change

Or so says Heraclitus. (I had to look up that reference in order to give credit, but I’ve known the saying for years.)

On my better days I can embrace the spirit of this truism, feeling in flow with the constant evolution of life. And in my more rigid moments I resist the reality of continual change, grasping for a structure or a system that will deliver me to a mythical final destination. That mythical destination where my house is always clean (ha!), there’s always food in the fridge, the meals are always planned, my kids are always satisfied, and the money is always flowing in and out in balance.

Of course I know it’s ridiculous to imagine I could arrive to this fantastical alternate reality. And the truth is, I wouldn’t really want to. So much of the beauty and joy of life comes from the change and the evolution. Being in relationship with my kids as they grow and change. Sharing greater intimacy with friends as we witness each other’s trials and tribulations, commiserating and celebrating along the way. Experiencing deeper knowledge and understanding in my work as I make mistakes and dive into new challenges.

Have any of you read The Parables (Parable of the Sower and Parable of the Talents) by Octavia Butler? (If you haven’t yet, I seriously recommend you get on that. Your library probably has them, or you can buy them HERE.) The sacred text from that story called The Book of the Living, includes this foundational verse, ‘God Is Change’.

“All that you touch, you change. All that you change, changes you. The only lasting truth is change. God is change.”

I’m not a religious person, but I’m also not atheist or agnostic. So I enjoy exploring non-dogmatic philosophies about God, like this one. And I also enjoy using this verse by Butler to bring me back into flow. To not just tolerate the constancy of change, but to lean in and embrace it. To seek change, to be in dialogue with change, to shape change.

Much of the change that we experience is outside of our control - a loved one’s sudden illness, the loss of a job, natural disasters. But finding a sense of agency within the change is where I like to be. And of course the locus of my agency is always around myself - my own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I cannot control others, I can only choose for myself.

I can choose my priorities, my perception, and my response. I can choose who to be in relationship with and how, where to expend my energy, and how to express myself.

This summer I’ve taken some time to rest and refocus. I’ve paused in my work to think and tinker and consider how I wish to move forward. I can’t say I have a solid, fully formed plan. (And even if I did, it would probably change!) But I’m embracing intentional change and diving into a season of experimentation, which is sure to bring even more change. And so it goes…

What is your relationship like with change? I’d love to read your thoughts.

Mediation Is for...

So I’ve been practicing mediation for a long time. Like a really long time. And my practice started at such a young age that the principles, communication skills, and premise of mediation have informed pretty much all of my adult relationships. Sometimes being so immersed in a particular way of seeing the world can make it challenging to understand that not everyone sees things the same way.

Research confirms that most members of the general public here in the U.S. don’t really know what mediation is. Even if they’ve heard the term, they don’t understand how to differentiate mediation from other problem solving or dispute resolution frameworks. And many folks don’t really know how mediation is different from litigation.

If we scan the popular media for representations of mediation, what is out there might be good for entertainment value but not necessarily accuracy. Anybody seen the short lived tv drama Fairly Legal? Or Ice-T as The Mediator? Both of these attempts to popularize mediation seem to reinforce some of the inaccurate assumptions that a mediator is someone who will come in and tell you what to do because they somehow have better reasoning skills or more life experience.

You don’t have to have a law degree, or really any formal educational qualifications, to be an excellent mediator. The best mediators see their clients as the experts. The best mediators are the best listeners, able to understand and empathize. The best mediators are open minded and support creative problem solving, never pigeon holing people into narrow options.

And there are so many more applications for mediation skills and practice than most people realize. This is what I’m feeling most excited about these days as I lean into my belief that #MediationIsForEveryone. The challenge of increasing awareness and democratizing the tools of mediation is equal parts confounding and invigorating.

I’m setting a challenge for myself to begin to articulate the myriad ways that mediation skills have been applicable in my life, as well as other opportunities I see for applying these tools. My hope is that one day everyone will be equipped to handle communication and conflict effectively in their own lives and relationships, and that the role of mediator will be central to all of our social institutions.

Embracing Queerness

Happy Pride Month, everyone!

I really do love seeing rainbows everywhere I go this month. As much as I concede that the corporate co-optation of Pride is problematic, I feel happy when I see rainbow colored merchandise everywhere. Rainbow has been my favorite “color” forever. Partly because I have trouble picking favorites, but also because I genuinely love how rainbows look and make me feel.

Obviously Pride is not just about rainbows. It’s not even mostly about rainbows.

Pride is a riot. It’s a challenge and an invitation to strive toward greater collective care and radical acceptance. It’s an opportunity to question our social and cultural norms around love, gender, sexuality, partnership, family structures, identity…

Over the past several years I’ve grown enamored of the concept of Queerness and have begun to identify with the label. I love how Queer can encompass my expansive exploration of my identity. As an elder Millennial I grew up in a time and place where there weren’t discussions or representations of gender outside of the girl/boy binary. Later, as a young adult, I leaned heavily on my performance of female gender and heterosexuality as a source of external validation.

Now that I’m older, and I am watching younger generations expand the conversation around gender identity, I feel so excited. I feel excited for my kids growing up in a world where there are so many ways to experience and express gender identity. I also can’t help but feel a bit of grief for my younger self. I wonder who I could have been if I had understood that there were more options? I wonder how much more secure and comfortable I could have been if I had known that I didn’t need so much external validation?

So now I am leaning into a new exploration of who I might be. And Queer feels like a good fit so far. Queer allows me room to question, experiment, and reinvent. It allows me to acknowledge that I don’t want to subscribe to the rigid social norms or false binaries that have been passed down and perpetuated. My Queerness includes not just how I see myself, but also how I choose to parent and relate to others in community. Queer feels expansive and inclusive, and in alignment with my values.

I’m curious to know what Pride means to you? How has your identity shifted over time? And how have you been impacted by the growing dialogue around gender and sexuality?